Live Long and Prosper

I have the go ahead to go home, and I shall in just over a week. I celebrated with listening to Johnny Cash today. Nikki and Chad gave me a CD of Cash I didn't have, and I've been enjoying it tremendously. I'd give anything to write like Cash. I guess I'll keep trying...

I am, however, working on writing my mother her own cookbook (to which she replies, "Oh goody!"). I've been bossy to her as of late, but I know she can take it. She also quit smoking and is a total bear. I told her I'd only nag her once or twice a week about eating and staying on task. I hate nagging. Gosh, I used to be such a nag back in the day, and now it's just a turnoff. In the meantime, she has agreed to detox her body via spinach shakes (they are very good I must say! I drink one every day), fruits, veggies and some supplements. She told me there is no way in Hades I can make her believe that spinach really can taste like bananas. Ha. Then we bicker and I tell her not to be so darn stubborn all the time. Good grief. My mother is just exhausting at times. But I love all her quirkiness and how she's stubborn over the most insignificant things. Dawn, my older sister, and I talked about Mom and how we've always just taken for granted all the funny little ways about her and how the thing we love the most is her humility and how beautiful she is . Then I start crying and Dawn says, "Stop now." I can't help it. I told my sisters I'm tired of always pretending to be the strong one. I just want to crawl on Mom's lap and cry. I want her to hold me like she used to when I was little and I was being dramatic about not getting to play the flute because we couldn't afford it or dramatic about having a big chest for my age. Oh the things my mother has put up with from me...

I had an old college friend tell me once to hold people loosely in the palms of my hands. "God is the giver. He is also the taker," she used to say. Isn't this true? The day after my birthday, my father responded to my comment about him not needing to send me money for a gift with, "The only thing I really have to do in life is die, Kim." Hmmm. How morbid, but really, it's true. We're all going to die one day, and all this with my mom and the hell I've been through in the past few months is just a reminder to enjoy each day to the fullest and that it really is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. How rich is a life full of significant relationships and one surrounded by love. How rich is a life when God is glorified and a man is fully alive. I know I'm fully alive when I serve and when I love people and when I live life to its fullest. AMEN? :) Amen. One of my aunts said to me when everything happened back in December, "Kim, don't let this make you so bitter that you never trust or believe in people again." Yes. Life is too short to let someone else make you bitter because of their own shortcomings or insecurities. Life is too short not to enjoy every minute with the ones you hold dear even if it means you could get hurt or lose the other. Life is too short not to keep in mind that if anything holds you back from really living (ie: fear), than you lose. Life is too short to worry about how you will get your justice when you've been slighted. Besides, it's as the song says:
(Chorus) That old wheel is gonna roll around once more
When it does it will even up the score
Don’t be weak: as they sew, they will reap
Turn the other cheek and don’t give in
That old wheel will roll around again
When love is gone and the one you thought would stay
Does you wrong, and you’re left alone to pay
The price is high
But somehow you’ll survive, don’t give in
That old wheel will roll around again(Chorus)
There’ll be times, hard to control
And you’ll find you’ll hurt down in your soul
There’ll be those who’ll be glad to see you down
But don’t give in, that old wheel will roll around again
(Chorus x 2)Roll around, around, again, again

I suppose I've ranted long enough. I need to go have a nice long jog and than wrap up the day with a spinach shake. Live long and prosper.

Better Days

I'd like to start out this blog with thanking God for my friendships. What else does a girl need but some good friends she can cry with (even males), who give her money to buy things like Starbucks, who are willing to fly out and be with her for court dates and who just love me for me? Of course, my family has always been this for me, but I guess I just took my friendships for granted until all of the recent experiences. I had friends say, "Kim, if these people seriously think you are finished just because you have a felony record, they don't know the Kim I know. You were always meant to have your own businesses. You were meant to sing. You were not meant to work at some job that wouldn't allow you to have a felony record anyway." Truly. And so with the passing of some time, I've begun to heal from this mess--I'm rising from the muck and the mire (hey, that would make a good song). I found out Monday I now have the opportunity to get out of all of this with a clean record (as if I deserved a felony record anyway). I'm just thankful, and as I wrote in a recent email, "I can finally see the light at the end of this."

As if the past few months haven't been enough heartache, Mom went in for testing on her lungs Wednesday. We find out Monday if she has lung cancer. Some specialists have already said it doesn't look like it, but they are not sure. They think it's due to letting her pneumonia go for three months (seriously, Mom). I think one of the most important things I've learned out of my own recent experiences is that God is near. I'm clinging to this even now. He hasn't forgotten about me, even in the midst of all this. A song that has spoken to my heart says,

Dress down your pretty faith. Give me something real.
Leave out the thee and thou and speak to me now.
Speak to my pain and confusion.
Speak through my fears and my pride.
Speak to the part of me that knows I'm something deep down inside.

I know that I am not perfect, but compare me to most,
In a world of hurt and a world of anger I think I'm holding my own.
And I know that you said there is more to life.
And I know I am not satisfied.
But there are mornings I wake up and I'm just thankful to be alive.

I've known now, for quite a while, that I am not whole.
I've remembered the body and the mind,
But disected my soul.
Now something inside is awakening,
Like a dream I once had and forgot.
And it's something I'm scared of
And something I don't want to stop.

And I woke up this morning and realized that Jesus is not a portait.
Where stained glass windows or hymns or the tradition that surrounds us.
And I thought it would be hard to believe in
But it's not hard at all.
To believe I've sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.

And He's not asking me to change in my joy for martyrdom
He's asking to take my place.
To stand in the gap that I have formed
With His real, and His sweet, and His real amazing grace.
And it's not just a sign or a sacrament.
It's not just a metaphor for love.
The blood is real and it's not just a sybol of your faith.

So leave out the thee and thou and speak to me now

But better days are coming. I know it. I feel it--even if Mom has cancer. If she does, I will need to move home, and frankly, I'm begging God I don't have to revisit Taco John's as an employee to pay my bills. I guess I never believe in job titles anyway, eh? :) Like Mom told me growing up, "A lesson in humility never hurt nobody." Ok, I don't think she said it that way, but I do remember us discussing the issue and her saying something similar. My mom is my hero, and no matter what happens, she will continue being my hero because of the way she responds to any situation that comes her way. I've been working a song about being half the woman she is when I grow up...

Here's to better days...