This is my FAVORITE picture of my mom!

My Momma

Mom was of course severely drugged in this picture :) A new post is coming soon :)

My World

Here is a picture of us with Momma. Mom would kill me if she knew I posted this picture, but it's precious to me. I know we will get through this. Thanks for your prayers and love. So many of my friends sent Mom a card or a gift, and it was a tremendous blessing to her. Peace and love.

Sweet Emma

I was cleaning up my email and found this picture of sweet, beautiful Emma and me when she came to visit for my birthday last year. I miss you so!!! And I love this picture :) Em, don't worry, I won't write a blog specifically about you but I will say that I couldn't do better in a friend. Love you!

Keep Swallowing

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing... Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be -- or so it feels -- welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming was as strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?

Of course, this is an excerpt from C.S. Lewis' book, A Grief Observed, which has been a source of comfort to me since I found out about Mother's cancer a week ago. I know some might think I'm crazy, but I've been asking myself some of these same questions, yet at the same time, I know God is more near than maybe He's ever been in my life only because I've never been so heartbroken. It takes a great deal to break this girl down, but fear not my friends, because I'm broken. I'm well-speared, and it's all of this feeling sorry for myself that has be disgusted, because my mother would be ashamed if she only knew. For Mother's sake, I try to be strong. When I was home with her, I tried to pay such close attention to all of the little things I was too busy to notice about her before. For example, I enjoyed watching the faces my mother happened to make when she disagreed with a person on TV. I delighted in the way she smacked and popped her gum--the way she's always done but I never thought of it as so wonderful. I smiled at the fact that even in a hospital bed, completely worn out, she insisted upon knitting my scarf. And then of course, there were the times when I had to turn to the window and silently cry and try to keep myself from shaking.

It just all seems so dark right now. One minute I'm smiling and the next I'm crying. I suppose my reactions/emotions are normal for the grieving process, which brings me to why I'm grieving anyway. My mother is still alive. She's not in the grave, thank God, but it's just the mere thought of mortality and that there is the chance I will have to live the rest of my life without my mom here to encourage me or scold me or tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself. There is a chance my mom won't be around to bounce my business ideas off of or to tell me to keep following my dreams. Death is inevitable for us all, but why now? Why my mother? Why so young? Why to such a humble, giving soul who gives liberally and never asks for anything in return? Why? I digress...

And so I suppose I have no other choice: keep swallowing. I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other and going through the motions...I'll keep running to God even when sometimes He's very silent and His ways don't seem best... As Kristin put it (thank God for precious, realistic, kick-me-in-the-pants Kristin):

Ya know what Kim, no matter how dismal, no matter how bleak, how dark, how lonely life seems right now, know that it's only how it seems, and things aren't always as they seem, sis. Your mom will pull through. This court case will end. And your life will never be the same praise God for that! I heard something this past weekend from a lady who lost her husband in one of the planes that hit the towers. She said, the funny thing about scars is that they never heal--that's why it's a scar! Wounds heal. Scars don't. Thank God for that because if you had no scars, Kim, that would only mean that you sat on your butt your whole life and never dared to reach beyond what you thought you were capable of. It only means that you tried the uncertain and came out a little scratched up. Some scars are deeper than others. Some scars are more visible, but they make you who you are. So expect to have some scars from all this, Kim, but somehow scars have a way of making a person distinct, mysteriously strong, and unimaginably daring. Think on this: "From the end of the earth I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2 CHOOSE JOY,Kris

Let me get right on that. Seriously, Kristin is right, and if anyone can fight cancer, it will be my mom. At least I GET time with her. At least it wasn't some massive heart attack that took her without warning. I get the chance to embrace every minute with her, and I shall. I suppose, even if she does die, that losing her would not be any easier in twenty years or ten years. OK OK, I'm done. I shall go get in the Word, lift weights, throw a few weights at the absolutely ridiculous men hooting and grunting in the weight room and then get some rest. Oh, and keep swallowing.

Finally

Kim finally got a digital camera so she can spruce up her blog and her life. Just thought you might like to know :)

"My greatest fear is not in failing, but succeeding in something that means nothing to God."

A Few Thoughts

I can't help but to start this entry with saying I feel somewhat hypocritical writing this blog about selfishness and how I'm gosh darn right fired up about the issue. I say this because my hometown is incredible in the way everyone just rallies around the sick or the hurting. In fact, people have already rallied around my family and especially around my mom because all were concerned that she might be sick. It really is a beautiful thing, and I miss "my people" and my town very much. I think the older I get I realize what a gift it was to grow up in "The Dive."

Having said this, I have had some really interesting conversations with strangers, coworkers and friends and family about the issue of selfishness. Of course, the issue covers a whole lot of territory, but I will only point out a few in this blog that have really got me thinking about the issue.

I'll start with a conversation I recently had on MySpace. One gentleman on MySpace emailed me with following remark: "Don't you think your blog entries reveal a little too much about your inner self? Don't you think you should protect your heart/thoughts a little more instead of just spewing them out for some stranger to read?" I thought on it for a few days, because the Lord knows I have opened my mouth or sent an email out of defensiveness or in the heat of the moment when I shouldn't have. In fact, a challenge to myself for the past few years has been to actually LISTEN to what the other person might be saying, as I might learn something (shock...gasp...choke...I know). Anyway, after thinking on it, I wrote him, "Hey dude. Thanks for the input. Believe me, I have been hurt a lot in my lifetime because I am so open to the world about who I am and what I believe. I've had to learn some of these lessons the very hard way, but I wouldn't exchange the deep conversations or friendships I've had or formed for surface talk. Besides, as an artist, there is quite a bit of depth to me. These blog entries have merely scratched the surface. There are things about me only God knows. There are things about me only my closest of friends know (which are a mere few), and it will remain that way. What the hoo haa is everybody so afraid of these days? Why are so many people afraid to have conversations about the heart or have conversations where we can be transparent with the questions we all have or the hardships we all face? I just don't get it..." He replied, "I guess it boils down to selfishness. I don't want people knowing the truth about my struggles or the truth about who I really am. I save my innermost thoughts for people who have earned it." I said, "I respect that, and we should save our deep dark secrets for those select few who have proven themselves in our life, but the things I talk about are not these things to me. I don't care if people know I've tried EHarmony or if they know I crashed into a display of protein bars at the grocery store while pretending to be a little kid again or if they are slapped in the face with the fact that I am human and struggle like everybody else. In fact, I woke up today and felt like a loser. A loser, dude. You ever feel like that? I think a lot of people do from time to time, and I just think it's freeing to put it out there and to encourage others that they are not alone. There are times when I feel down right sexy. There are times when I feel like I can change the world or times when I wonder if I will leave any sort of a legacy. For Ms. Right Brainer here, it's just helpful to put it into writing, but don't be fooled, there's tons about me that still remains a mystery--even to myself." And so our conversation persisted from here. I think we both gave each other some things to think about. As for me, I'll continue writing blogs that are raw and from the heart. I guess this is because this is the only way I know how to write or how to be...

And the discussion on selfishness continues with a conversation I had with a coworker about marriage. Ahhhh...the dreaded word meaning only a locked in commitment to some. "What is the divorce rate these days," is how it all started... We then proceeded to have a very insightful, respectful conversation/debate about the word. She was stating her reasons for the divorce rate being high as: people rush into relationships to quickly and that there is no depth to anything or any kind of promise made anymore. She summed it up with, "Good grief, I look at all my friends getting married just do get married and listen to their conversations or lack thereof and wonder how this relationship will ever last beyond the sheets. It just seems like each of my friends is out for what he or she can get instead of asking what he or she can give." I have to say, I agree with her. I've heard from so many of my married friends, "Kimbo, you had better know that person before you get married. You will be spending a lot of time with your partner. Make sure you can talk and really, make sure you can laugh, because laughter will carry you through a lot of the tougher times--when you are learning how darn selfish that person is and honestly, how darn selfish you are. Don't get married if you're just in it for what you can get." So we are back to the issue of selfishness (oh this topic is too much work). I think marriage along with any real relationship (again, beyond surface) is about investing yourself--giving of yourself--being less selfish--looking to the needs of that other person--learning how to communicate better--etc. I think we will have more fruitful, reciprocated relationships when we focus on others instead of so much on ourselves. I have seen this reality in my own life. For example, I have had a problem every now and again with putting too many expectations on a friendship because I was insecure, and it ended up damaging both of us, but I tell you, I want to be a better person today. I want to be less selfish and insecure (which can sometimes be just selfishness) because it's only in this that I will maintain the kinds of relationships that last and that go far beyond the surface. I know I have even more growth for this area in my life, but I suppose for us all, this area is one that we will be working through for the rest of our lives.

And to take a total tangent here, and to talk just a little more on the topic of selfishness, I am tired of the church collecting its tithe to build a bigger building when there is a single mom down the street who can't afford to feed her baby. I asked a pastor awhile back about what he thought with regard to me giving my tithe to some areas that were of great concern to me. He said I would be gravely sinning against God if I didn't give it to the church, so I told him of the concerns and he basically shrugged his shoulders. I wanted to shake some sense into him, but I decided to take my tithe anyway. Yes, I am stubborn (one of my many vices). All of this to say, I think we should all just look around a little more and see the needs of others. It's easy to stuff our tithe or any amount we give to the church into some plate or tithe box, but it's not as easy to take the time to be observant and ask God where we could give the money. I think buildings are GREAT, but when I have seen time and time again the call for nicer buildings just because we are trying to keep up with the Jones' church instead of giving the money to help the orphans or the widows or the guy down the street to just got over a bout with cancer, I just get a little discouraged. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the tithe, but I guess I'm just a little more 'out of the box' if you will when it comes to this issue. I have a hard time believing the church is doing its job when we are more worried about nicer seating than a single mom. Sorry, that's just how I feel.

Whew. I have so much to say on the topic of selfishness, and this blog is a rambled nonsensical mess I'm sure, but it's how I see it. It's raw. Take it or leave it. Take me or a leave me. As you see fit..

I'll be back

Stay tuned folks. I've been working up a blog on selfishness. I've really seen a lot of it as of late and have decided to rant about this next. It makes me sick...especially when it is so obvious within the church. TTFN