Life is like taking a walk in the snow

Just for giggles, I’ve been mentally working on a list of things I am/like and things I’m certainly not/don’t like.

I’ve never been the most beautiful. I’ve never been the most popular. And whatever normal is, well I know for sure that I’ve never been much of that either. I’ve never been good at telling jokes because I usually forget punch lines (real smooth). I’m not all that funny in real life. I shy away from most things that are conventional. I keep my share of secrets I’ll never tell. I’m an easy scare. I’m a simple bluff, a mediocre cook. And I enjoy asking questions to random people like, ‘Have you ever been out walking in the snow and tried to get back where you were before?’ (Go ahead and say it, ‘That Kim is bizarre.’) Add this to the list. I am bizarre (check).

I digress, but that’s the funny thing about talking a walk in the snow, you see: Sometimes it can be hard to get back where you were before, unless you already know how to get back to where you were or you know where you’re going and have no need to get back. And for me, I love asking this question to perfect strangers because I like seeing the look on their face when I ask it and also, the question parallels some to life. And so back to the list of things I am and things I’m certainly not: I like seeking out ‘the bigger questions’ in life (check).

I just celebrated my 29th Birthday. You’ll have to forgive me. I digress again, but Birthdays without my mother matter so much less now. For one thing, I get way less money. For another, she really had a way of making them special, and now the day tends to be more like a soccer ball to the face: ‘WHACK! Wake up, she’s not here anymore, Kimberly. No more cards. No more messages telling me she loves me (and all my quirky lists of things I am or things I am not). No more perfume. No more dark chocolate (She got me some fantastic dark chocolate the Birthday before she died). I love fine dark chocolate (check).’

So age 29; it’s that age right before that undesirable age of 30 when I guess I’m supposed to have more of life figured out. But for me, the age already seems like it’s going to be a walk in the snow with me not knowin’ where to go. I know life should always be about changing for the good (I mean come on, I hope most of us can say that we’ve matured some or are less selfish or drink less whisky than we did seven years ago. Whatever the case…), but the past three years of my life have changed me so much that I’ll never be able to get back even remotely to where I was before mentally, physically, spiritually, or emotionally in order to make desirable changes.

In other words, age 29 has me feeling a little unstable, a little nutty, entirely unpredictable and undeniably dangerous (I say dangerous because it sounds all mysterious. I like mysterious, yes). Frankly, age 29 has left me not knowing myself as well as I thought I did. Ouch. Add all of this to the fact that in the past three years, I’ve seen how just one choice can alter a person’s entire life outcome, and I also feel a little paralyzed in making any kind of decision, choice or move. Goodness.

At the age when most of my peers are settling down, having children and planting tomato gardens, Kim is feeling the call (again) to live like some gypsy. Doh! I feel the urge to study at L’Abri in Switzerland or sit on top of a pyramid in Egypt or take the next flight out to work at an orphanage somewhere across the globe. And then there’s the urge to play guitar on a Merrill Avenue street corner, because I swear I’m a modern day troubadour trying to find justice with my six strings, trying to make the world make a little sense out of me. I like to travel (check). I like to play guitar (check). I have a tendency to ramble (check). And I do love walks in the snow.

So during this awkward, almost junior high like year of age 29, I make a promise: I’ll cling to the very little I know about life and about myself. And I’ll embrace all that in life which is a mystery, learning to laugh at myself more when I feel a little nutty or feel like I’ve lost my way some while walking…through the snow...